Coffee

I like coffee. I mean, REALLY like coffee. (Please don't read into that anything that might be interpreted as some sort of attraction to the beverage) I just really like it. To drink. That's all...

MOVING ON!

The wonderful world of coffee started with a shepherd and his sheep (Or was he a goat-herd with goats? Testimonies vary). Anyway, this man who herded some sort of animal noticed his flock of that sort of animal munching on some unusual berries. When the animals then started bouncing around like popcorn kernels on crystal meth, he decided the berries were worthy of further consideration, and took them to an order of monks who roasted them, ground them, and drank their juices. Mmmmmmm...



Don't even TRY to talk to her before her morning coffee.

And after hundreds (Maybe thousands. I haven't done that much research. This IS just a blog...) of years, we got Starbucks and Kopiko lollies. Now, I understand that at the moment you're thinking, "Yes, Gracie, this is all very interesting but why blog about coffee? Bit overdone, is it not?"

WELL!

I figured I'd give a not-that-comprehensive breakdown of why coffee is legendary. Or should I say, legenDAIRY. No, wait, you can have it without milk. I'll stick to legendary.

1. Caffeine
"Caffeine isn't a drug, it's a vitamin." - Anonymous

Just ask Rick James, bitch.

Now, this "Anonymous" guy sounds pretty smart to me. After all, how could anything that wakes you up, tastes awesome, and can be served as both a hot and cold beverage be bad for you? Caffeine is what makes my History teacher so entertaining. Caffeine is what gets you through exam block. I maintain caffeine is what makes the Earth turn on its axis. That's right, Gaia is completely doped up on bean juice.
 Of course, I cannot write this section without stressing the inherent dangers of caffeine. For instance, and take it from someone with experience in this area, DO NOT, under any circumstances, imbibe Red Bull after having ingested 20mg of Codeine. You will be tripping balls. ALL DAY.

School was not fun. Ever tried to understand cellular respiration when your head is spinning? And your classmates are laughing at you? And the air tastes purple? Yeah, not fun.


Weirdest Spanish class EVER.

 But other than that, CAFFEINE RULES!!!

2. Coffee Guy
I have a favourite hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that I like to sometimes visit before school. And it's not just their killer Irish-cream latte that keeps me coming back. Is it the fun music? The nice atmosphere? The proximity to my train station?

NO! It's the smokin' hot barista.

Full cream or skim?

I know, it's tragic. But what better way to start the day than with a cappuccino, a croissant, and something pretty to look at? And he makes REALLY good coffee.

3. Fortune-telling
When my dad's family moved from Egypt, some of the locals heard tell of a mysterious woman from across the seas who could read fortunes from coffee grinds. My great-grandmother. Every afternoon, my father would come home from school to find his living room full of strangers ready to have their futures foretold by the mysterious "Madame Eva". She would get them to drink a cup of Greek coffee, which leaves a black sludge at the bottom of the cup, then turn the cups upside down to let the grinds run down the sides.

The sediment would run down the inside of the cup in little rivulets, and "Madame Eva" would then interpret the patterns into vaguely mystical-sounding predictions such as, "There is a path in your future, and it is a clear path, unless something comes to block it."

Yes, I'm descended from a gypsy con-woman.

I see a bolt of lightning in your future...and possibly some seaweed...

4. Nom-iness
Okay, so sometimes a bad barista (unlike the one mentioned in point 2) will nuke the coffee beans into next century and the resulting beverage will taste like a cross between tar, ear wax and cat piss. But a GOOD cuppa, not too hot, with just enough milk, lots of froth, and a dab of sugar is enough to make one go weak at the knees. (If the aforementioned coffee guy hasn't achieved that already).

So, in conclusion, coffee is ambrosia from heaven. Anyone who says otherwise is upsetting heaven. And will be smited (smote?) with a lightning bolt...and possibly some seaweed...